The Tribal Comfort of Men
I am a member of a couple of online e-mail support groups
for men who are bi, or coming out, and are or have been
maried. In a recent note to privately to a member of one
of these lists I wrote --
There is a tribal aspect to men-with-men, a certain
bonding and comfort that I don't believe occurs between
men and women or even men with their families. I am not
speaking sexually particularly, more spiritual and
psychicly. I have felt it in the tenderness in a man's
arms, as I am nestled up behind him, listening to him
sleep, and feeling the steady, strong beat of his heart
against my hand. It's not about lovers, it's not about
love; it is about a deeper primal (hence tribal)
connection which is reassuring and healing. And core.
In the 20 months or so on the list I have read many men
remark about the passion they have suddenly felt, for the
first time in their lives, when they were first experiencing
sexual love, emotional connection with a man. It is one of
those things that sets gay and bi men apart from completley
str8 men, I believe.
But I wonder about this tribal thing -- men's clubs taken
to the next level with physical connection. (And yes it's
felt on the dancefloor too!)
Is there anyone on the list who *hasn't* felt this?
Am I Gay, Bi or Str8?
Struggling to figure out if you are gay, bi, str8?
Wondering if you are deluding yourself or confused?
Here is an easy test (you could as easily be bi and
pass this one).
Picture yourself in a room, a party maybe, and a
youngish woman, nicely proportioned, casual blouse,
walks into the room. How do you notice her? She comes
over to the snack table, where you are hanging out,
looks over the nibblies and then her gaze is cast
over and upward toward you. She smiles and nods her
head and looks into your eyes. You ask her a question
and she puts one hand on your bare shoulder and
gestures with her other hand, pointing across the room,
adding detail to her verbal answer. Her hand lingers
on your shoulder a few moments longer than necessary.
How do you feel? Does your heart race a little? Is
your breath a little shallower? Are you taking in
her details, the way her lips move when she talks,
how her hair sways gracefully or how her eyes meet
yours?
Now take the test again. Only this time ...
Picture yourself in a room, a party maybe, and a
youngish man, well developed, tank top, walks into
the room. How do you notice him? He comes over
to the snack table, where you are hanging out, looks
over the nibblies and then his gaze is cast over and
upward toward you. He smiles and nods his head and
looks into your eyes. You ask him a question and he
puts one hand on your bare shoulder and gestures
with his other hand, pointing across the room, adding
detail to his verbal answer. His hand lingers on your
shoulder a few moments longer than necessary.
How do you feel? Does your heart race a little? Is
your breath a little shallower? Are you taking in
his details, the way his lips move when he talks
or how his eyes meet yours?
Rate yourself -- which experience is *electric*? If
one is ho-hum and the other engenders sexual arousal,
then you are likely just one way. If you find each
encounter in your fantasy arousing, you are bi.
It's a cheap thrill test, but if you take it honestly,
it can be very revealing.
Alexander Inglis (January 23, 2002)
In Toronto
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